Hilariously awful

My friend and I went here for lunch and could not stop laughing at how bad everything was; by the end, we were half-expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out of the bushes and tell us we'd been Punk'd.

We went for lunch around 1 pm on a Tuesday. I'd heard the hidden patio was nice, so we walked through the empty, dingy restaurant and sat away from the other patrons: two octogenarian couples.

Our server did not offer a friendly greeting or even a smile. She wanted to know if we needed menus or if we were "just drinking". We said we were eating and she dropped the menus on the table and went inside the building. When she emerged 10 mins later for drink orders, my friend asked for 7-Up; she brought him a very watered-down Sprite. She explained they didn't carry 7-Up *after* giving him the drink and then left again.

She returned 15 mins later and my friend ordered the Chicken Florentine, with soup as his side. Having read through the too-long menu (rife with spelling and grammar errors, typos and inconsistencies) a few times, I decided that I should go with the Schnitzelhaus specialty: schnitzel. Since he was having the soup, I chose salad as my side. Our sides came first; I started laughing at the contents of the salad bowl. Torn, brown leaf lettuce was topped with ONE dried-out slice of cucumber and ONE wedge of underripe tomato. The shredded carrot was served next to the lettuce, as if it was distancing itself. My friend said he forgot to warn me about the salad, that's why he got the soup - but even that proved to be a disappointment. The Cream of Broccoli was more of a Sludge of Blandness. Too thick and totally flavourless, we each had one spoonful and didn't want anymore. We tried to get the taste out of our mouths with the bread they put on the table and even that turned out to be stale and tasteless.

It was another 20 minutes before we received our meals, despite the restaurant being empty and the other two patio couples having been already served. The schnitzel was huge - and hugely bland. The potatoes were tasteless, despite appearing to be seasoned. I guess they thought that all that beige food looked too boring, so they attempted to brighten up the plate by sprinkling the sides with shredded, wilted parsley. My friend's Florentine was bland and we each ended up not even getting through a quarter of our meals.

We ended up leaving in a good mood, but only because of how awful it was... Will NEVER return!